A Reverse What??

It is official Katie is going to have a baby!!

I know, I know, we have been saying that all along. But we could have been wrong.

We decorated a nursery; she's been taking birthing classes. Yes, we even gave her a baby shower… 2 in fact!

This all could have been some cruel joke but alas we know now that there is a baby in that protruding belly and it does want OUT!

At Katie's OBGYN appointment yesterday the Dr. informed her that she is in fact 1 cm dilated and that the baby has fully dropped. Yeah! Her due date in April 24^th but no one thinks she will last to then.

Katie's work did start an office pool on when she will have the baby- my money is on April 15^th –TAX DAY!

Last night Katie experienced her first real contractions, three contractions in total. She described it only as Katie could-"as if Cole was trying to burn his way out of my uterus." This one is my favorite- "it felt like a reverse orgasm!" Only Katie could come up with that one!

I did have my four girl's ala natural (I said that in a French accent, for affect)…well, okay, I will admit to having just enough Demerol to not kill Kenny in the birthing room. It hurt. I thought I was going to die. I said things that to this day my husband makes fun of me about. I looked like I had been run over by a truck when it was all said and done. A close friend of mine gave birth to a 12 pound baby boy- the good old fashioned way with no pain meds- just a mid wife! She described it this way: "Take your finger and hold one of your nostrils closed. Now imagine blowing out a 10 pound bugger from the other nostril!" OUCH!!

Katie now understands why morphine, epidurals and c-sections are good things!

We shall keep you posted!!

A Moment of Weakness

I do have to say that Katie has enjoyed her pregnancy and has taken the many physical changes that have occurred with stride…until last week.

Mother's you know what I am referring to: that one moment when you have had enough!

Enough, protruding belly, enough not being able to bend over, enough not being able to sleep on your stomach, enough peeing every 15 minutes. Do I need to go on?

Katie had her moment last Friday morning … about 6:00am. She woke up that morning with her feet so swollen she could barely walk. She called me about 6:30am crying.

When my cell phone rang and I saw it was Katie I was a little alarmed. Trying to hide my anxiety I answered the phone with a chipper "Hey! Good morning! Is everything okay?" I was answered by muffled sobbing.

After a couple seconds I realized she was okay. Physically, okay but had reached that emotional moment of just plain being DONE!

I let her talk and cry and explain to me how her whole life was being dictated to her by this enormous belly. She felt guilty for wanting Cole to just come- to be done with the pregnancy thing. She just wanted to see her feet again, to sleep on her stomach, to feel normal.

I didn't have the heart to tell her that she would never feel normal again. That the conflicted feelings were just now beginning. As a mom we are constantly juggling our own wants and needs with the needs of our children, and on those occasions we do put ourselves first we are riddled with guilt. She'll figure that out on her own.

What I did tell her was that all of those feelings and frustrations that she is feeling right now are perfectly normal. Even with a loving supportive husband pregnancy is overwhelming at times.

I told her that I too had those feelings in the last few weeks of pregnancy. That is why I thought it was a perfectly sane and good idea to drink a bottle of castor oil when I was 39 weeks pregnant with Rebekah. I had had enough! I drank the castor oil- then I threw up and had diarrhea. Nothin' not even a ting of labor pains. Rebekah was born exactly 9 days later, when she was ready, not a moment sooner!! Thanks Rebekah! Anyway, I never tried that again with the other girls- I just soaked in the bathtub and cried- lesson learned!

A note from the Grandma to be

The end is getting close!! I am so excited about the thought of meeting baby Cole! I get to be "in the room" with Katie when she goes into labor. I'm not sure if I'm ready or not for that.

I have done a good job at keeping my distance from Katie and not interjecting myself into her pregnancy. All of my co-workers who take messages and answer the phone can stop laughing now!! Okay, we do talk every day, at least 3 times a day on the phone. What I mean by keeping my distance is I haven't poured on the advice and I haven't gotten all crazy about telling her what she should be experiencing right about now in her body or telling her how to get ready for the baby. That's what all of those pregnancy books are for and some things you're just better off finding out yourself -the hard way. And to be quite honest a lot of the details of pregnancy have faded from my memory over the last 17 years. Not that the stretch marks have, those are permanently imprinted on my stomach, thighs, legs and butt!! Thank you very much!!

Just the other day Katie called me in a panic. It went something like this-

Katie- "Mom, I don't think I can breast feed after all!"

Me- "Why, what's wrong?" With all of the excitement I thought maybe her breast fell off or something.

Katie- "Have you seen what breast feeding does to your breasts and nipples??"

Me- "No, Katie, I didn't breast feed 4 babies. My boobs just did this to themselves! Of course I know what it does!! I was a hottie before you and your 3 sisters did this to me!!"

Katie will periodically call me and quote to me from the baby book -with all the authority and importance of the first and only pregnant human being on the planet-what size the baby is or whatever the important growth mile stone is now occurring in her ever expanding belly. I am always happy and relieved that all is well, and a little grossed out at the same time!

She is my daughter and we have shared first bras, first periods, the sex talk and we have talked about poop more than any two women should ever discuss bawl movements. So how come does my tummy do a little flip every time I think of her going into labor and pushing out that baby I so desperately want to meet??

Please, Katie do not take this as if I'm repulsed by the sight of you or that I think you personally are in any way gross. I'm just being open with my feelings. I have done a good job at pretending that you and Jake don't have sex… just like me and Daddy don't, wink, wink. Is pregnancy the final step to you becoming a woman? Is this the last bit of apron string being cut? Oh, I don't know! I can't even conjure up some overly spiritualized metaphor…. My stomach hurts now… Oh, Katie I hope I don't throw up in the labor room!!

Delivery Class

My heart was pounding as I walked up to the hospital with Jake last night; we were going to our first Delivery Class. I was so nervous! Was I supposed to bring pillows? Why didn’t I see anyone else carrying pillows? Great, I am going to look like an idiot carrying two huge blue pillows into class!

Okay! Calm Down Katie …… Just Breathe!

Why am I so nervous? I really can’t answer that. I have been scared about everything! I really wanted to get into this class but it was full and at the last minute the instructor called and said that they could fit us in!! Thank you, God!! He must have known that I am a tightly wound up bundle of nerves and I need some “teaching” on how to calm the heck down!!

YES!! Other people brought pillows! I was feeling a little better. The class was small, maybe 18 people. Some moms-to-be brought their moms. Of course there were husbands (or at least baby daddies) and one lady even brought her best friend.
The instructor was so calming and full of information. She kept saying “child birth is normal, we are made for this.” Wow, I know it’s a simple concept but just hearing that calmed me down.
I felt so proud to have Jake by my side; he listened carefully and not once looked bored. He did get a little sassy about counting contraction. He told me “That’s easy; I got that in the bag!”
We will see. LOL

On a side note: I was so happy they provided water and snacks during this class! I never eat little cookie packs or graham crackers but during those classes, they are too awesome! They are like gourmet food to me!

We made “couple friends” in the class and by “friend” I mean we talked to them the most.
They are our age and down to earth. They weren’t overly talkative. I hate when people just yak and yak about stuff you don’t really care about because hello, you have never meet them before. I think on the next class we are going to put our mat next to theirs.
In every class there is that one person that shares way too much of their life and gives the oddest advice. We had not one but two women like that!! TMI, folks, TMI!!
Then there are the…I will call them “the Smokers.” They would go out on the breaks and smoke. Yes, one of them is 32 weeks PREGNANT!!!
I couldn’t stand it, what were they thinking? They acted like we didn’t know what they were doing…like we couldn’t smell the smoke on them? Anyways….. They would say things in class like “Well, I went out the night before I gave birth and had one last wild night!” Hump, probably smoking! They just kept saying things like “All women scream I hate you at their husbands during pregnancy “ or “All women say the F word at least ten times while pushing!” By the end of the class I was so annoyed with them I told Jake “NEVER put our mat next to theirs, EVER!!!!”

Over all I had a great first class. I now do five exercises twice a day till the next class. Jake is very serious about them too…. so it looks like my lazy days are over.

Things I would know If I Were a Black Woman

1- That vaginas need to breath… and that cotton panties allow vajayjays to breath ……and it’s especially important during pregnancy that “it” breaths properly. Enough said.

2- When someone inquires as to what items you already have for the baby you say “Nothing”. I learned this lesson a couple of weeks back from a very sweet young lady who was drawing my blood for my last round of blood work.
This is how it all went down: I was sitting there talking to this charming lady; I would say she was in her mid twenties. She was asking me how my pregnancy was going and how the nursery was coming along. I responded “Great, people have given me so much stuff and I am going to have two showers!” I just went on and on…..
She smiled at me and said “Girl, ain’t nobody taught you what to say to that question?”
I looked at her with pure confusion and answered meekly “No.”
She smiled and said “When someone asks you what you have for the baby, you say, NOTHIN! I got four strollers and I returned three of them and they paid for the diapers of my last baby for the first year!”
I looked at her with pure amazement!! Was I hearing her correctly? She smiled again and said “Nobody gives you gifts when they think “oh, she has everything already or she has enough” My first thought was “this is pure genius” and my second was “why, is it that I get advice in the oddest of circumstances?”
I have never met anyone honest enough to say something like that…..I loved it!
I laughed and told my new found best friend “nobody has ever told me to say that!” She laughed and said “my mom and aunties taught me that. They stalked my entire nursery with that one word.”
I laughed all the way to the car, where I promptly called my mom and said “Mom, I have nothin’!”

3- How to put the fear of God into a child in the quietest and calmest of ways.
I meet a lady when I was teaching that just seemed to always have her class under control and never had to have to yell or get crazy to do it. I finally asked her one day what her secret was. She told me “crazy eyes!”
She said, “I get low, right in front of the child, I speak very calmly but I give them the craziest of all crazy eye looks. It scares them straight-plain and simple.” She said you don’t have to say anything mean or threatening you just say something simple like “your making me upset by your bad choices, please make better choices.” But the whole time giving mental patient, I am a loony person, crazy eyes! Kids don’t know what to think. She said she used it all the time on her own daughters and she got so good she would give them the eyes without saying anything and they would stop whatever they were doing. I asked her who taught it to her. She responded “my momma! Best crazy eyes I ever saw”. Who knew!!