Things I would know If I Were a Black Woman

1- That vaginas need to breath… and that cotton panties allow vajayjays to breath ……and it’s especially important during pregnancy that “it” breaths properly. Enough said.

2- When someone inquires as to what items you already have for the baby you say “Nothing”. I learned this lesson a couple of weeks back from a very sweet young lady who was drawing my blood for my last round of blood work.
This is how it all went down: I was sitting there talking to this charming lady; I would say she was in her mid twenties. She was asking me how my pregnancy was going and how the nursery was coming along. I responded “Great, people have given me so much stuff and I am going to have two showers!” I just went on and on…..
She smiled at me and said “Girl, ain’t nobody taught you what to say to that question?”
I looked at her with pure confusion and answered meekly “No.”
She smiled and said “When someone asks you what you have for the baby, you say, NOTHIN! I got four strollers and I returned three of them and they paid for the diapers of my last baby for the first year!”
I looked at her with pure amazement!! Was I hearing her correctly? She smiled again and said “Nobody gives you gifts when they think “oh, she has everything already or she has enough” My first thought was “this is pure genius” and my second was “why, is it that I get advice in the oddest of circumstances?”
I have never met anyone honest enough to say something like that…..I loved it!
I laughed and told my new found best friend “nobody has ever told me to say that!” She laughed and said “my mom and aunties taught me that. They stalked my entire nursery with that one word.”
I laughed all the way to the car, where I promptly called my mom and said “Mom, I have nothin’!”

3- How to put the fear of God into a child in the quietest and calmest of ways.
I meet a lady when I was teaching that just seemed to always have her class under control and never had to have to yell or get crazy to do it. I finally asked her one day what her secret was. She told me “crazy eyes!”
She said, “I get low, right in front of the child, I speak very calmly but I give them the craziest of all crazy eye looks. It scares them straight-plain and simple.” She said you don’t have to say anything mean or threatening you just say something simple like “your making me upset by your bad choices, please make better choices.” But the whole time giving mental patient, I am a loony person, crazy eyes! Kids don’t know what to think. She said she used it all the time on her own daughters and she got so good she would give them the eyes without saying anything and they would stop whatever they were doing. I asked her who taught it to her. She responded “my momma! Best crazy eyes I ever saw”. Who knew!!